(self) Love

“Are you scared?” I’ve been asked this question a few times over the last couple of months. And I know exactly what they mean “Are you scared of dying?” The truth is I am not scared. I am not scared about what is happening to me or the inevitable. However, I am scared about the people I love. I think it’s easier to go through something so unthinkable yourself than to watch your loved one suffer. It may sound strange but I would rather be on this end of the stick. I’ve always been a very positive person, for me, the glass has always been half full and I’ve always tried to give my energy to others who need it. I am crap with bills, I lose my keys, I forget my passwords and I can never find my bloody phone but I do care about people. That’s who I am. I want everyone around me to be happy. That’s what makes me happy. Just the thought of my family suffering because of what I am going through is creating a heavy lump in my throat. Let’s be honest, there is nothing positive about terminal cancer. As much as I try and laugh out, it’s a tough pill to swallow and everyone is dealing with the situation differently. Some are in a very practical and helpful mode, some are in denial that this is even happening, and others are trying to hold their tears when they speak to me so instead we talk about the weather. I want to wrap everyone in a safety blanket, unfortunately, I know it’s impossible and that is what makes me scared. Scared of what they will have to go through. They don’t deserve it.

In my experience Cancer is the worst of them all because it affects not just the person who is going through it but a wide diameter of people around them. It touches so many people’s lives even indirectly. When I get bad news, and that has happened quite a lot in the last few months… I dread having to reiterate it to my family. I can handle bad news, I go into a full mumsy mode where I have this urge to sort things out and I deal with my feelings later. But I cannot handle seeing the sadness in people’s eyes. During one of my recent oncology appointments my doctor and I had a pretty tough conversation. In a very gentle way I was told that my best-case scenario is that some of the tumours spread around my body will shrink, but not all. If my immunotherapy trial works, I will have to have it for as long as I live to keep me stable. And even then we don’t know for how long would that be. At the moment pain management and being comfortable is more important than anything. Quality of life over quantity. I’m under palliative care and that’s a tough one to process. Or in other words incurable. But I was in my usual best “put together” self. I was asking the right questions, I was very matter-of-fact, I was on it during the whole appointment. Up until the end as I was leaving he stopped and said “I am sorry this is happening to you” Ah God! I broke down in bits. That was it for me. As soon as I see that look in someone’s eyes I just can’t handle it. It’s almost as if I can deal with and process the facts but not the feelings.

It’s hard to talk about my real feelings and the realities of cancer with the people closest to me, I find it easier putting it all in a blog or talking to strangers. I’m very good at putting a brace face on. Mainly because I grew up in a society and culture where “what other people will say” was incredibly important. Probably THE most important thing. It’s safe to say I never fit in that frame which is one of the reasons I moved 3000 miles away from my home country. I am an individualist who doesn’t see people’s opinions as an important part of life. However this way of thinking, whilst I was growing up, has left certain marks on the way I am. I can smile on the outside and cry on the inside. It’s a skill I don’t want to have. Utterly unhealthy. In fact I’ve noticed that because I am good at putting on a brave face, people don’t know how to act around me now that I have cancer. The truth is I hate tip-toeing around a subject. However I get it, when someone is sick, or they lost someone or they are going through a difficult time in their life we often don’t know what to say or how to act around them. “Shall I ask direct questions? Can I complain that I had a shit day even though I know they are going through a lot more? Are my problems justifiable knowing theirs are a lot worst? “I know. I’ve never been good in those situations either. Now that I am on the other side, I can tell you that all I want is for people to be their authentic selves. I am not going to break, so don’t try to tone things down for me. If you feel happy then let’s be happy together, if you feel angry, sad or annoyed about something I will listen to you and try to give my best advice. Everyone is going through their own journey and one is not more important than another.

Sharing my story wasn’t an easy decision, I had to consider a lot of things. Anything we post online stays there forever. One day my kids will read these stories, so I have to be careful what I say. I am sure my parents are reading them right now, and even though they don’t say much about them, I have to keep them upbeat as I don’t want to upset them too much. My husband is my rock so the last thing I want to do is make him feel sad. He says he likes my blogs, although he also says if he had to mark my writing he would say a 17-year-old wrote them “ that’s how they write” Thomas is a teacher so no surprises there! Again my thoughts were “would everyone be ok with me doing it? What would everyone say?” In the end, I decided to do it even though I knew I would be walking on thin ice. Choosing to share my story publicly can be seen as quite controversial to some, a little strange and completely unnecessary to others. But guess what? One of the silver linings of having cancer is you can do whatever you want and nobody will say a word! Complete freedom. So why not use it! I am choosing myself for the first time in…forever. I get a sense of relief writing this blog and I get a sense of purpose in sharing my story, hoping it would help others.

Looking back on my life now, there is a definite struggle with self-love that I haven’t noticed before. I’ve always put everyone before myself. Everyone’s feelings and everyone’s wishes before mine. I tend to give my energy away to others, to make them more positive, to encourage them, and to look after them. In the end, there is non left for me. I struggle with chronic pain and fatigue daily so my pot of energy is very little these days. For the first time in my life, I have to be selfish. I have to put myself first to physically stay awake and not be in constant pain. Cancer aside, love and look after yourself first so you can give love to those around you. Ah, I promised not to give cheesy quotes here! I failed.

Love, V x